Only Child vs. Siblings: Which Is Better?

 

Introduction 

Are you an only child?  Or do you have siblings?  If the later, are you first, middle or last born?  Does your birth order affect your personality?  Is it better to be an only child or to have siblings? 

 

As with most things in life, the truth is more complicated than the stereotypes would have you believe. 

 

Stereotypes and Birth Order 

See if this sounds familiar: 

• Only children are spoiled, selfish, and lonely. 
• Firstborns are bossy, responsible, and high achievers.  
• Middleborns are peacemakers, insecure, and jealous. 
• Lastborns are spoiled, charming, and manipulative. 

There "may be some truth to the idea that firstborns get more attention (and responsibility), that middleborns get less attention (and more independence), and that lastborns get more freedom (and less discipline)."  (How Does Birth Order Shape Your Personality? Beware the stereotypes.)  

 

But birth order doesn't exist in a vacuum. Other influences on child development include:  

• the age between siblings  
• gender  
• the number of kids in a family 
• genetics 
• socioeconomic status  
• family resources 
• health factors 
• parents age  
• parenting styles 

Ongoing research has also shown that only children are no more selfish, spoiled, or lonely than anyone else.  Some are even better at socializing with adults.  But one distinction remains – only children tend to have better relationships with their parents than those with siblings. (The Biggest Benefit, and Biggest Risk, of Being an Only Child) 

 

Only Child vs. Siblings 

Stereotypes aside, there are potential advantages and disadvantages to being an only child, as well as a sibling.  

 

Only Child 

Pros: achievement edge, closer relationship with parents, economic benefit, more attention, better able to interact with adults 

Cons: may lack the social skills siblings have, parents can be too smothering and put too much pressure on the child  

 

Siblings 

Pros: some siblings have a strong relationship, shared history, mentor young siblings, support with aging parents 

Cons: most siblings fight even when adults, rivalry, bullying behavior, not enough attention, less economic resources  

 

How Many Children? 

Deciding how many children to have (or not have) is one of the most important decisions we'll make in our lifetime.  We want to get it right.  But if you’re worried about having an only child because they will be lonely or socially inept, don’t.  Studies show this is not the case. 

 

Have one child if that’s what you want.  Many only children grow up to have only children.  (It worked for them.)  In fact people overall are having fewer children these days.  And “chosen” family and friends can help fill in the gaps. (Growing Up Without Siblings: Adult Only Children Speak Out) 

 

If you want to have multiple children so they have someone to play with and help with aging parents, don’t.  There's no guarantee your children will have anything to do with each other or take care of you in your old age.   

 

Have multiple children because you want to, and you have the means (emotionally, physically, financially) to take care of them. 

 

Personal Experience 

I'm in a unique position.  I've been both the first born, and the only child.  My brother Mike was 18 months younger than me.  He died in a car crash when he was 20.  I was 21. 

 

We had very different personalities and were never all that close.  In fact we fought pretty much all the time.  Sometimes I was the brat.  Sometimes he was.  Usually we both were.   

 

Things were a little better when we both reached adulthood.  Most likely because we weren’t living in the same house and didn’t see much of each other.  Although not exactly friends, we were at least polite strangers by then. 

 

Mike also developed substance use disorder in his teens, which made things worse.  He was often in trouble and caused constant strife in my parents' marriage.  I just wanted to get as far from the situation as possible. 

 

I was away at college for part of this period and after college I went to California.  Not long after that Mike died and my mom asked me to come home.  It was a rough time.  But one good thing did come out of it.  My parents and I became closer. 

 

Having a brother, even for a short time, did teach me some things.  I learned about GI Joes, Hot Wheels, and The Beatles.  I learned adolescent boys are very smelly, until they discover girls.  Then they hog the bathroom.  Also, nobody can push your buttons like a sibling. 

 

Maybe Mike and I could’ve been friends someday if he had lived.  I have my doubts.  But it would’ve been nice.  Still, I’m very fortunate in that I’ve always had male friends who were like brothers to me.  This has been very comforting (and sometimes very annoying). 

 

How about you?  Do you get along with your siblings?  Or do you like being an only child?