Child-Free By Choice: The Other Option

 

Child-Free by Choice 

I don't remember ever wanting children.  Sure, I played with dolls growing up.  I was a child of the 60's and 70's after all.  I (like everyone else) was groomed to grow up, marry and have children.  Society demanded it, and the pop culture reinforced it.  Relentlessly 

 

So what happened?  Where did this insidious desire not to have children come from?  I have no idea.  I was just born this way.  The same way others are born with the desire to have children.   

 

I do remember during my pre-teen babysitting days vowing never to have children.  (I babysat some real brats.)  But I think the decision was already baked in.  And it never wavered.  If anything it just grew stronger as I got older. 

 

It’s not that I dislike children.  In fact, I care about all children and feel protective towards them.  I also worry about their future.  But I'm never going to be one of those people who insists on "holding the baby".  (What's up with that anyway?) 

 

I'm also sensitive to noise, so a screaming child is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.  I will head for the nearest exit.  I know this is unfair (since I'm pretty sure I did my share of childhood screaming), but it’s how I feel.   

 

I used to think I was alone in feeling this way, but surprisingly, I have a lot of friends and relatives who are child-free.  (I prefer the word "child-free" rather than "childless", which sounds like something is missing.  I don't feel like anything is missing.  Also, childless usually denotes people who want children, but are either unable to have them or don't have them yet.)  

 

My friends and relatives who are parents would probably disagree with my choice.  And that's fine.  I want everyone to be satisfied with their choice.  But some parents get really uncomfortable with my decision to be child-free.  Like I’m somehow questioning their life choices.  I’m really not.  Deciding whether or not to have children is deeply personal.  They had no part in my decision, and I’m pretty sure I had no part in theirs. 

 

People sometimes ask me why anyone would not want to have children?  My response is always, why would they want to?  It’s just a different perspective.  We don't have to agree.  I respect your choice.  I just want you  to respect mine. 

 

Criticism 

Some criticism directed at child-free adults includes the following: 

• You’re selfish. (My mom may be disappointed by my choice, but nobody is harmed by it. Non-parents are also more likely to give money to charity.) 
• Nobody will take care of you in your old age. (Now, having children to take care of you is selfish. They aren't an insurance policy. I will make other arrangements.) 
• You won't have a family.  (I have relatives and a chosen family in my friends.  Families come in all shapes and sizes.) 
• You’ll change your mind. (I haven't.) 
• You’ll regret it.  (I don’t.) 
• You won't have a fulfilling life.  (I do.) 
• You’ll die alone.  (Don’t we all?  Besides, nursing homes are full of people with children.) 

Reasons For Not Having Children 

Sometimes people change their mind about whether or not they will become a parent.  Life happens.  But for those who choose not to have children, they do so for a variety of reasons: 

• They can't. 
• They’re ambivalent or undecided. 
• Environmental and social concerns. 
• Focused on career. 
• They can't afford it. 
• They aren't mentally or physically up to it. 
• They don’t want to be tied down. 
• Timing/Partner doesn't want them. 
• They are in an unstable relationship. 
• Family history. 
• Lifestyle. 
• They just don't want kids (my reason, and the most common one). 

Scientific Findings 

Some interesting findings from a 2022 scientific report include the following: 

• About one-fifth or 21.6% of the U.S. population is child-free by choice. 
• Most child-free adults decided early in life that they didn't want children (38% before age 20 and 69.5% before age 30). 
• They are commonly discriminated against in the workplace and with healthcare. 
• They are the recipients of negative stereotypes. 
• They are commonly denied voluntary sterilization by their physician. 

Research shows that having kids doesn't necessarily make you happier.  Yes, there is a "happiness bump" right after you have a baby.  But that tends to dissipate over the course of a year as parents find out pretty quickly that raising a child is hard work.  And while parents may experience more daily joy than non-parents, they also experience more daily stress. 

 

Conclusion 

As all parents know, raising children is demanding, and sometimes heartbreaking.  There are no guarantees that everything will turn out alright.  But for many of you, the rewards are worth it.  Which I think is great. 

 

I'm not trying to convert anyone or convince them not to have children.  I just want everyone to be aware that there is another option. And choosing not to have children does not make you a bad person or valueless. Nor does it automatically condemn you to a life of misery and regret. (Take that JD Vance!) 

 

I respect people who become parents.  I just don't want to be one of them.  I hope you're as happy with your choice as I am with mine. 

 

Additional Sources 

WWK REACTS: Childfree By Choice: Why I Don't Want Kids  

Why having kids doesn’t necessarily make you happier, according to research  

11 Reasons People Choose Not to Have Children  

Chelsea Handler Discusses Being Childless by Choice - Long Story Short | The Daily Show