Is Marriage In Decline?

 

Deciding Not To Marry 

Unlike a lot of girls, I never thought about weddings when I was growing up.  Well, except for that time my friend Janet wanted to play pretend wedding.  I remember thinking it was a stupid game. 

 

Come to think of it, do a lot of girls dream about their wedding from a young age?  Or is that just a stereotype?  Let me know what you think in the comments.  And what do little boys dream about if not weddings?  I can guess what big boys dream about. 

 

I may not have obsessed about the ceremony, but for a long time I did assume that I would get married.  Someday.  I had it all planned out.  I would fall madly in love at first sight with the perfect man.  And we would live happily ever after, just like in the romance books and movies. 

 

But as I got older and wiser, I recognized this for the romantic fantasy that it was.  And I let it go.  Then I started to wonder… do I even want to get married?   

 

There was certainly no shortage of people telling me that I would get married (and by extension have children).  It wasn’t even up for debate.  That was just what you did.  And the pressure to conform was pretty much constant throughout my 20's and into my 30's.  Being single in a married world can be …challenging. 

 

Now that I’m no longer “of child bearing age”, people don’t seem to care as much about my marital status.  But when I was younger it really bothered them that I wasn’t married and having children.  It didn’t fit with their worldview and therefore, made them uncomfortable.  Once I realized it was their problem, not mine, it was easier to ignore the invasive questions. 

 

(How come nobody ever asks married people why they’re married?  Or parents why they have children?  Perhaps because it’s the “norm”.) 

 

There was no “Aha!” moment, but gradually over time, I came to realize that no, I didn't want to get married.  I didn’t even want a boyfriend.  I had tried dating.  Never liked it.  Found everything about it annoying.  I liked the idea of a boyfriend, but not the reality.  I would much rather just hang out with a friend.  Or be alone.  I liked being alone.  It was the only time I could really be myself. 

 

Attitudes and Stigmas 

By about age 35 I was telling those around me, “I don’t think I’ll get married.”  Most couldn't wrap their head around it.  “Oh, you’ll change your mind.”  “You just haven’t met the right guy yet.”  “You must be gay.” No, no and no. 

 

I can’t really blame them though.  Even today, there’s often a stigma attached to being single (the word "selfish" comes up a lot).  And the old stereotypes are stubbornly persistent.  Like single people are lonely and unhappy because nobody wants them.  (National Singles Day)  

 

But it's getting better.  Today many women (and men) are putting off marriage, if they marry at all.  They’re embracing their singlehood and the multitude of benefits that can come with it.  Like freedom, and opportunities for personal growth and adventure.  They’re also refusing to settle. 

 

Statistics 

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 46.4% of the U.S. population aged 18 and over is single.  This includes people who are divorced, widowed and never married. That's 117.6 million people.  And while the divorced and widowed rates now remain relatively steady, the never married rate continues to increase over time.   

 

Reasons Not To Marry 

So why don’t these people want to get married?  Well, it could be for a variety of reasons.  Like these examples from 22 Signs You’ll Never Get Married (But Will Still Be Happy Anyway): 

1. You enjoy being single. 
2. Your standards are high. 
3. You're afraid of commitment. 
4. You're afraid of divorce. 
5. You value your sexual freedom. 
6. You don't believe in marriage as a concept. 
7. You don't need marriage to feel fulfilled. 
8. You've already lived with your partner for years. 
9. You resist other people's expectations. 
10. You have life plans that don't involve marriage. 
11. You don't want to jeopardize your own identity. 
12. You're committed to your other relationships. 
13. You don't want to have kids. 
14. You think marriage is too complicated. 
15. You've never really thought about it. 
16. You don't want to live with someone else. 
17. You don't have a stable job. 
18. The person you're dating doesn't want to get married. 
19. You're not religious. 
20. You come from a nontraditional family. 
21. You're asexual. 
22. You just don't want to get married. 

Marriage in Decline 

So is marriage in decline?  Well, yes.  A 2023 study by the National Center for Family & Marriage Research shows that the U.S. marriage rate for women went down almost 60% from 1950-2010.  From 90.2% to 31.1%.  With a steady decline starting in 1970, when the marriage rate was 76.5% and divorces became easier to obtain. (See also the U.S. Census Bureau.) 

 

More recently, the rate dropped to 28.0% in 2021.  But that may due in part to the pandemic, as it went back up to 31.2% for 2022.  

 

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm certainly not advocating for the end of marriage.  I have nothing against it.  I come from a long line of long marriages.  Many of my friends are married.  I wish everyone happiness, whatever their marital status.  

 

Marriage definitely has its benefits.  And for some people it's a good fit.  But for others, not so much.  For me, being unmarried feels right. 

 

Acceptance 

This doesn’t mean I don’t have people in my life that I care about, and who care about me.  I do.  But not everyone is the marrying kind.   People marry or don’t marry for a myriad of reasons.  It’s a personal choice.  You don’t have to like or even understand that choice.  Just accept it*. 

 

(* Does not apply if someone you know is marrying a serial killer.) 

 

Your thoughts?